The Language of the Sexual Underground

Yesterday, I received an email from a prospective suitor that read: "Are you dominant? Will you violate my mouth and ass? I like to be treated like a pig."

I'm sorry? What?

This is the first communication I received from this guy: no nudges, pokes, winks, smiles. I definitely wasn't guided to this stage.

Granted, the email came from one of those anything-goes websites. Those dating sites that ask you a few questions about what you are looking for, completely ignore them when matching you up, and then recommends uploading as many pictures as possible. Still, receiving the "Will you violate my mouth" seemed  a bit, I don't know, over-the-top.

When I told Go Big, who definitely suffers from stranger-danger, she laughed and said, "I would have reported him to the FBI. Forget about looking for Osama Bin Laden's 2nd in command, get this guy."

I'm not shocked nor freaked out by such a request. I think I am more perplexed. My username is in no way provocative or sexual. All of my photos are of my face; I mean, I don't show cleavage in my pictures.  I read all the fine print and the terms of agreement to make sure I hadn't unknowingly registered on an escort service website.

Finally, I analyzed what I'd written on my profile for anything that could be taken as sexual innuendo. Not even a 18 year-old boy could take anything I wrote--even out of context-- and make it about sex. The only explanation I can think of i that there must be a secret code used in the sexual underworld of the deviant.

For example, when I write that "I am very direct" it must be code for "I'll fuck you any way you want."

"I like to meet interesting people," must scream "I am a fetish safety zone."

"Don't contact me if you are under the age of 30," is definitely code for "If you need a cougar to usher you into your sexual awakening, and you have no idea what you are doing in bed, I can't wait to meet you."

Therefore, I better do some revisions. And for this particular website, I think I am gonna go for over-the-top.

In place of "I am very direct," I think I write, "Make sure you bring dildos, lube, and handcuffs for the first date. Once I feel you are warmed up, we'll get on to the fun stuff."

In place of "I like to meet interesting people," how about, "I like to include asparagus, chickens, and cattle prauds in my foreplay."

And in place of "Don't contact me if you are under 30," request I'll warn that "I eat frat boys for breakfast--literally."

That should scare the weirdos off . . . or bring on an onslaught of them, which will give me plenty of blogging material. Not sure about dates.

Dating Sites' Many Benefits (PG)

I may not get a husband from these damn dating sites--hell, I can't even get a boyfriend--but I have gotten a computer repairman, lawyer, stockbroker, and tattoo artist.

I bet you didn't know that online dating sites also double as the yellow pages.

Oral Man and MMA both work with technology. Trust me, not only have I used them for sex but they've fixed a computer problem here and there.

Lana may need a lawyer for a type of case that The Lawyer's practice represents.

A couple of The Fluffers are going to need some retirement planning so I better keep The Stockbroker around until he sets up their 401Ks. Even though I call him The Stockbroker, he did specify that he works primarily with setting up retirement packages.

When Sunny D thought she might need to do some major plumbing work on her house, she called me and asked, "Can you date a plumber next?"

And today, I received an email from a tattoo artist looking for a date for his last night in So Cal. I've been meaning to add to my tattoo work.

Technically, the word "whore" describes women (and men) who use their sexuality for power and gain. Prostitutes are women (and men) use charge money for sex. But in the spirit of commerce, I can't decide whether I should change the name of the blog from Embracing My Inner Whore to Embracing My Inner Prostitute.

But,  I never offered sex to Oral Man nor MMA to fix my computer. In fact, I didn't even have sex with them on those occasions.

I'm fairly certain that if Lana follows through with the lawsuit, and retains The Lawyer, he will not take blow jobs -- even my "gold-medal" BJs-- in place of cash.

And I ain't fuckin' a plumber. For anyone.

And if I want to go back to being technical, I am not using my sexuality to gain power. I don't want to control these men. I don't want advancement, money, an expense account for clothes and jewelry . . . wait a second, yes I do.

I want power over love, which may be impossible. I'll find that out. But I can't use my sexuality to dominate an idea.

So I guess the blog should be called Embracing My Inner Promiscuity. I am on several different dating sites ranging from those who act more like chaperons from the 1800s to those who act more like pimps and madams. I say it's all in the name of a sociological experiment, but really, I'm just being promiscuous.

Nelly Furtado broke into the music world with her song "Promiscuous Girl."

But, when does sexual liberation become shameful? How promiscuous can I be and maintain my self-respect? What role does motive play in defining a woman embracing sexual freedom and a woman embracing self-degradation?

Each woman can only decide that for herself.  With that in mind, I guess it's up to me when promiscuity becomes synonymous with self-degradation. As I travel this road I will have to ignore the projections of other people's definitions. Especially if I'm gonna freakin' blog about it.

Embracing My Inner Sexual Freedom just doesn't have the same zing.


Embracing My Inner Promiscuous Girl could be get sued by Nelly Furtado.

And I really do need to tattoo work done. But Sunny D is just gonna have to shit on the back lawn.