Changing Gears

There are a couple reasons why I haven't updated the blog since August. I haven't run out of men, and after embracing my inner whore for a little over a year, I am in the position where I can pick and choose the best the write about.

I sure as shit haven't found love.

I have found a certain peace--I am not the Buddha of love by any means--but I hope to pass some on. Therefore, I decided fuck the blog; I'm just gonna write the book.

But, I'll maintain a Facebook page.

Sorority Wisdom

"It's because of men in their 30s that I am dating a man who is 21."

"I feel the urge to date. God, I hope it passes."

Image from pamelaaugust.wordpress.com.
A great feminist blog.

"If you want to stay married, you've got to take it in the ass."

"Wow, you're not as big a whore as I thought you were." (And no, that was not said to me)

"I realized the other day that I haven't had sex in 2 1/2 years. That is ridiculous. I'm going back online."

"Couldn't you have gone through your whore stage when you were younger like the rest of us?" (And yes, that was said to me).

"Making out, only? You can do that?"

"I'm not really sure why he called me again. I mean, we already had sex."

"I love one-night stands."

"If I could just walk around all day with a man's face strapped to my hooch, I'd be a happy woman."

The Language of the Sexual Underground

Yesterday, I received an email from a prospective suitor that read: "Are you dominant? Will you violate my mouth and ass? I like to be treated like a pig."

I'm sorry? What?

This is the first communication I received from this guy: no nudges, pokes, winks, smiles. I definitely wasn't guided to this stage.

Granted, the email came from one of those anything-goes websites. Those dating sites that ask you a few questions about what you are looking for, completely ignore them when matching you up, and then recommends uploading as many pictures as possible. Still, receiving the "Will you violate my mouth" seemed  a bit, I don't know, over-the-top.

When I told Go Big, who definitely suffers from stranger-danger, she laughed and said, "I would have reported him to the FBI. Forget about looking for Osama Bin Laden's 2nd in command, get this guy."

I'm not shocked nor freaked out by such a request. I think I am more perplexed. My username is in no way provocative or sexual. All of my photos are of my face; I mean, I don't show cleavage in my pictures.  I read all the fine print and the terms of agreement to make sure I hadn't unknowingly registered on an escort service website.

Finally, I analyzed what I'd written on my profile for anything that could be taken as sexual innuendo. Not even a 18 year-old boy could take anything I wrote--even out of context-- and make it about sex. The only explanation I can think of i that there must be a secret code used in the sexual underworld of the deviant.

For example, when I write that "I am very direct" it must be code for "I'll fuck you any way you want."

"I like to meet interesting people," must scream "I am a fetish safety zone."

"Don't contact me if you are under the age of 30," is definitely code for "If you need a cougar to usher you into your sexual awakening, and you have no idea what you are doing in bed, I can't wait to meet you."

Therefore, I better do some revisions. And for this particular website, I think I am gonna go for over-the-top.

In place of "I am very direct," I think I write, "Make sure you bring dildos, lube, and handcuffs for the first date. Once I feel you are warmed up, we'll get on to the fun stuff."

In place of "I like to meet interesting people," how about, "I like to include asparagus, chickens, and cattle prauds in my foreplay."

And in place of "Don't contact me if you are under 30," request I'll warn that "I eat frat boys for breakfast--literally."

That should scare the weirdos off . . . or bring on an onslaught of them, which will give me plenty of blogging material. Not sure about dates.