Sorority Wisdom

"It's because of men in their 30s that I am dating a man who is 21."

"I feel the urge to date. God, I hope it passes."

Image from pamelaaugust.wordpress.com.
A great feminist blog.

"If you want to stay married, you've got to take it in the ass."

"Wow, you're not as big a whore as I thought you were." (And no, that was not said to me)

"I realized the other day that I haven't had sex in 2 1/2 years. That is ridiculous. I'm going back online."

"Couldn't you have gone through your whore stage when you were younger like the rest of us?" (And yes, that was said to me).

"Making out, only? You can do that?"

"I'm not really sure why he called me again. I mean, we already had sex."

"I love one-night stands."

"If I could just walk around all day with a man's face strapped to my hooch, I'd be a happy woman."

The Language of the Sexual Underground

Yesterday, I received an email from a prospective suitor that read: "Are you dominant? Will you violate my mouth and ass? I like to be treated like a pig."

I'm sorry? What?

This is the first communication I received from this guy: no nudges, pokes, winks, smiles. I definitely wasn't guided to this stage.

Granted, the email came from one of those anything-goes websites. Those dating sites that ask you a few questions about what you are looking for, completely ignore them when matching you up, and then recommends uploading as many pictures as possible. Still, receiving the "Will you violate my mouth" seemed  a bit, I don't know, over-the-top.

When I told Go Big, who definitely suffers from stranger-danger, she laughed and said, "I would have reported him to the FBI. Forget about looking for Osama Bin Laden's 2nd in command, get this guy."

I'm not shocked nor freaked out by such a request. I think I am more perplexed. My username is in no way provocative or sexual. All of my photos are of my face; I mean, I don't show cleavage in my pictures.  I read all the fine print and the terms of agreement to make sure I hadn't unknowingly registered on an escort service website.

Finally, I analyzed what I'd written on my profile for anything that could be taken as sexual innuendo. Not even a 18 year-old boy could take anything I wrote--even out of context-- and make it about sex. The only explanation I can think of i that there must be a secret code used in the sexual underworld of the deviant.

For example, when I write that "I am very direct" it must be code for "I'll fuck you any way you want."

"I like to meet interesting people," must scream "I am a fetish safety zone."

"Don't contact me if you are under the age of 30," is definitely code for "If you need a cougar to usher you into your sexual awakening, and you have no idea what you are doing in bed, I can't wait to meet you."

Therefore, I better do some revisions. And for this particular website, I think I am gonna go for over-the-top.

In place of "I am very direct," I think I write, "Make sure you bring dildos, lube, and handcuffs for the first date. Once I feel you are warmed up, we'll get on to the fun stuff."

In place of "I like to meet interesting people," how about, "I like to include asparagus, chickens, and cattle prauds in my foreplay."

And in place of "Don't contact me if you are under 30," request I'll warn that "I eat frat boys for breakfast--literally."

That should scare the weirdos off . . . or bring on an onslaught of them, which will give me plenty of blogging material. Not sure about dates.

Dating Sites' Many Benefits (PG)

I may not get a husband from these damn dating sites--hell, I can't even get a boyfriend--but I have gotten a computer repairman, lawyer, stockbroker, and tattoo artist.

I bet you didn't know that online dating sites also double as the yellow pages.

Oral Man and MMA both work with technology. Trust me, not only have I used them for sex but they've fixed a computer problem here and there.

Lana may need a lawyer for a type of case that The Lawyer's practice represents.

A couple of The Fluffers are going to need some retirement planning so I better keep The Stockbroker around until he sets up their 401Ks. Even though I call him The Stockbroker, he did specify that he works primarily with setting up retirement packages.

When Sunny D thought she might need to do some major plumbing work on her house, she called me and asked, "Can you date a plumber next?"

And today, I received an email from a tattoo artist looking for a date for his last night in So Cal. I've been meaning to add to my tattoo work.

Technically, the word "whore" describes women (and men) who use their sexuality for power and gain. Prostitutes are women (and men) use charge money for sex. But in the spirit of commerce, I can't decide whether I should change the name of the blog from Embracing My Inner Whore to Embracing My Inner Prostitute.

But,  I never offered sex to Oral Man nor MMA to fix my computer. In fact, I didn't even have sex with them on those occasions.

I'm fairly certain that if Lana follows through with the lawsuit, and retains The Lawyer, he will not take blow jobs -- even my "gold-medal" BJs-- in place of cash.

And I ain't fuckin' a plumber. For anyone.

And if I want to go back to being technical, I am not using my sexuality to gain power. I don't want to control these men. I don't want advancement, money, an expense account for clothes and jewelry . . . wait a second, yes I do.

I want power over love, which may be impossible. I'll find that out. But I can't use my sexuality to dominate an idea.

So I guess the blog should be called Embracing My Inner Promiscuity. I am on several different dating sites ranging from those who act more like chaperons from the 1800s to those who act more like pimps and madams. I say it's all in the name of a sociological experiment, but really, I'm just being promiscuous.

Nelly Furtado broke into the music world with her song "Promiscuous Girl."

But, when does sexual liberation become shameful? How promiscuous can I be and maintain my self-respect? What role does motive play in defining a woman embracing sexual freedom and a woman embracing self-degradation?

Each woman can only decide that for herself.  With that in mind, I guess it's up to me when promiscuity becomes synonymous with self-degradation. As I travel this road I will have to ignore the projections of other people's definitions. Especially if I'm gonna freakin' blog about it.

Embracing My Inner Sexual Freedom just doesn't have the same zing.


Embracing My Inner Promiscuous Girl could be get sued by Nelly Furtado.

And I really do need to tattoo work done. But Sunny D is just gonna have to shit on the back lawn.

Taking One for the Team (NC-17)

For you ladies who are in your late 30s and those crossing that 40 line, stumbling down the same road I am, a bit of advice: stay away from guys in their early 20s.

It's harder to do than one would think. This seems to be a new rite of passage-- having sex with an older woman-- for these boys who are not yet weened off the keg. I get dozens of come-ons from these guys, so much so that I've edited one of the my dating profiles to include "if you are under the age of 30, do not contact me."

They ignore it. See what I mean? Too young.

Unfortunately, I didn't always ignore them.  I tried out a youngin' once or twice. Either I am tough to please or 20 year-olds just can't fuck a woman in her 30s.

They are too fast. They want to go from drink to penetration in 2 minutes, and they can't seem to slow it down. It's biologically impossible.

Believe me, they promise the world. They ride the I-am-the-young-and-energetic horse: he'll give me three orgasms before he even takes his pants off; I better rest up because he's gonna keep me up all night. I tell these guys that I've heard it before and it seldom turns out that way and they all say that they will be bringing more.

They don't.

When we women are in our 20s, we don't care how good or how long the sex is. As long as a guy wants to fuck us and he cums, we are satisfied. At that point in our lives, we are still blindly pursuing that marriage and family goal that all women are told from birth they want. We haven't yet stopped to think, "Do I really want to legally bind myself to another human being FOREVER?" Instead, we are panicking because our marriage and family plan-- drafted at 12 years old and yet to be revised-- is falling apart. That adds "crisis" to our search for identity. Therefore, approval is everything.  Ladies in their 20s still believe that sex = validation. We just want to be able to say that we are doin' it.

In our 30's, especially those late ones, we women would be ecstatic if men would do half the shit outside of the bedroom that they say they'll do. It would be blow-jobs all around. And in the bedroom? We want quality product not cheap accessories. A man can draw out the pleasure of even the simplest acts? Awesome. Great sex in missionary is still great sex. Skin on skin is sexy; so is that subtle touch weaving around my bra and undies. We don't need that validation anymore; we don't need to be fucked to feel worthy. We just want to have orgasms and enjoy ourselves.

If I want to cum in 2 minutes, I'll masturbate.

So my comrades on this journey--the 20-somethings are good for the ego, but that's it. And that ego boost does not transfer to the bedroom.

So boys, go get those young ladies. They are fun, they are adventurous, and what they need from you is very, very different than what a woman in her 40s needs.